Thursday, September 30, 2004
[[mid autumn festival - 28.09.04]]
Hmm.. Itz THE time of the year.. Mid-Autumn Festival.. Or what we often referred to as mooncake festival/lantern festival..
We drove to sengkang to celebrate.. In case I got recognised for playing with lanterns.. My gosh.. Hmm.. You used the sparkles to piece out my name on the grass.. but the sparkles died out too quickly.. Afterwhich you took the candles and form "i love u".. on the pavement.. You took a pic of tt.. and change my wallpaper to that..
Hmm.. You started a conversation which I ended.. You were upset with me.. You find it hard to read my mind or my feelings coz of the way I behaved.. But.. I am trying very hard to enter your mind.. to read ur thts.. ur heart.. to find out how u r feeling too..
"Ask and it shall be given.. Seek and you will find.."
A question I haven ask formally for fear of the answer that I will get.. An answer I desperately tried to seek.. But hestitated.. Coz.. like you.. i like fairy-tales.. though they may never come true..
[bottomline:]u r d one..
emotionally charged.-evewbb 1:31 PM
Sunday, September 26, 2004
[[i'm tired.. - 26.09.04]]
Hmm.. I juz feel so.. The enthusiasm.. the fondness i have for u.. seems to diminish.. I can't help but ponder.. Why did that happpen.. Was it never real as you had said..?
It seems like I'm playing a game.. A game I dun call the shots.. I'm stuck.. If I wish to continue.. I will have to input more tokens.. If I wish to end.. I can juz walk away..
Your words.. Your actions.. Your apologies.. I dunno what they mean.. I dunch wish to think.. I dunch wish to feel anymore.. I'm tired.. You should know..
Now I'm halfway thru what I set out to accomplish in the first place.. Promises I cant afford to break again.. Was it juz a fulfillment on my side.. or have I really fallen for you..?
Sounds contradicting.. But everytym.. At the end of the day.. There will be an apology.. You are sorry for what you have done.. Hmm.. You can be sorry for everything.. Just dunch say sorry to me.. Coz there isn't a need..
From the start.. I wasnt looking for an answer.. Coz I knew I would never get an answer.. from you.. Itz time..
[bottomline:]love is not promises are not made by one.. it is commitment held by both..
emotionally charged.-evewbb 1:01 PM
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
[[sorry seems to be the hardest word - 15.09.04]]
I finally had the time to sit down and update my blog about decent stuff.. I browse thru jo's, eve's and cat's blog.. indeed.. looking at their blog makes me feel very insignificant.. I was surprised to learn of so many problems that my dear frens have been going thru.. yet i was unaware of.. and the fact tt i was never there for them.. Can you imagine the feeling? I still remembered the poly years.. As Jo had mentioned.. we were carefree then.. Alot of things.. We probably just take it out.. luff abt it.. and case closed.. But now.. things are so different..
Indeed.. After poly.. all our lives had changed in one way or another.. The usual gang will have cat, eve, hl, jo, nikki, lene and myself.. Lately we have been so bz with our own lives tt i even forgot to say Hi.. my gosh.. what was i thinking..
To date.. We are still keeping in touch.. Currently..
cat - she's juggling two jobs.. for her trip to o/s i guess.. she's very independent.. but i guess.. humans are vulnerable.. no matter what..
eve - she's working.. bt apparently.. frm her blog.. she doesnt seem to enjoy her job.. well.. we r prob the only two eves who r still single.. yah??
hl - hmm.. ever since.. she got att.. it seems tt we have bcum quite distant.. now tt she's pursuing her degree.. my gosh.. she's really tied down..
jo - lately.. i have been neglecting this fren of mine alot.. probs i dunno she has.. prob she doesnt know how to say it either..
lene - hmm.. i dunno.. perhaps.. a growing process.. i juz feel tt she has very different thts..
nikki - yah.. my best buddy.. have nt seen her for very long.. the last tym was when we went to lene's party.. she seems to have alot on her mind too..
I just dunno.. I just feel that everyone seems to have something deep inside their heart.. we cant take it out and luff abt them anymore.. Problems tt we have.. doesnt juz involve schwk or r/s.. it involves something more practical.. i guess..
This sun.. we will be meeting up as a whole group.. hopefully.. laughter tt i hear.. are not frm cries.. within..
[bottomline:]i felt so lost..
emotionally charged.-evewbb 6:14 PM
Sunday, September 12, 2004
[[feelings.. - 12.09.04]]
Hmm.. in the wee mornings of 10.09.04.. I was browsing thru someone's blog.. I did nt know what stirred me to do tt.. I went thru all her postings.. as though reliving thru what she went thru in the past.. A young girl yet she has so much hurt within her.. The background melody was from a show she likes alot.. It took me 2 hrs to complete everything tt was written.. There was feelings in every entry that she has posted.. Be it happiness or sadness.. To disappointment..
"I believe this is not a lie..
My heart stirred as I sighed.."
There could be tyms.. when u fall.. and I pondered to go over and reach out to u.. but.. currently it is not the tym yet.. Coz.. from very confident of my own feelings.. I began to doubt my own words.. my actions.. till the stage of confusion..
True to an extent tt I seldom interact with u.. bt ur lil actions.. i dunno what it symbolise.. N i prob wun want to think abt it anymore.. As shion said.. "Sometyms the hermit opens the window to chat with the warrior standing outside.. But the stupid warrior is out of sight.. The hermit closes the window once more.."
"You have a wall..
On it.. I see a door..
Itz locked up..
You r shutting urself out..
From desires.. harm.. and more..
I have the key..
But each tym i try..
You change the combi..
Numerous attempts i have tried..
Itz hurting me inside..
Shld i stay.. or shld i go..
An ans.. wld u let me know?"
[bottomline:]No matter hw tired i might be.. I will still be there..
emotionally charged.-evewbb 1:51 PM
Friday, September 10, 2004
[[distance.. - 10.09.04]]
A thought just filled my mind..
Adapted from somewhere..
"The longest distance.. is not when i am standing in front of you..
Yet you do not know i love you.."
BUT.. instead..
"The longest distance .. is that we both know tt we love each other..
But we know we cant be together.."
Yes.. indeed.. to an extent.. itz seems like a cruel joke..
To me..
"The longest distance is to pretend tt i don't love you..
Even though i had confessed my feelings.. time after time.."
[bottomline:]the world's longest distance.. is the path to ur heart..
emotionally charged.-evewbb 3:27 AM
[[in reply.. - 09.09.04]]
Hmm.. read ur letter tt was written on 24.08.04.. Yah.. dbl payback tym.. We spent 1 hr deciphering the codes.. My gosh..
You wrote a poem.. In response.. I have replied ur poem with another poem.. So far.. it has only been read by 1 person.. itz still gg final editing.. I will be able to present the poem to you real soon..
Yah.. Indeed.. I may be doing alot of superficial things.. The most impt thing is to neglect ur feelings.. The most impt thing is simplicity.. I forgot all abt tt.. Till shion reminded me 2day..
I admit itz my mistake.. Alot of things i might have done.. bt i missed out on little ones.. d fact tt u think i nva cared..
I have slowed down..
I have stopped..
I have stopped to ponder..
I have stopped to think..
I have stopped to reflect..
I missed d last bus for today..
I will take the first bus in nx morning..
I dare nt promise..
But i will try..
Be there.. Juz for u..
[bottomline:]the feelings juz gets stronger..
emotionally charged.-evewbb 2:09 AM
