emo_ charged!

Thursday, October 28, 2004
[[down.. - 26.10.04 to 28.10.04]]

Hmm.. Was down with an inflammed throat, fever and cough.. Hmm.. To think that none of my frens/colleagues knew.. And they tht I went for a holiday.. Hmm.. Yah.. Perhaps.. My life juz revolves around one person.. I admit now..

Hmm.. Went to the company doctor on wed with sorethroat.. Came back with fever.. The next day.. I went to my trusted and favorite doctor.. Rather pay the money and get a right diagnosis.. Hmm.. No more fever.. Just infected my throat.. Got 2 days mc..

Initial tht could rest at home.. But think I have been bored at home.. My brains are not working.. She sent me out on a mission.. To buy eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow.. My gosh.. What a mission.. I think ttz basically asking a blind to drive.. Not being crude.. But I was embarassed enough tt i bothered the salesperson who tried to attend to me.. At the end of the day.. Might have exceeded her budget.. But only completed half the mission.. Coz she did not managed to get the eyeliner she wanted.. (they do not have the stock..) and one of the eye shadow color (they ran out of stock..) Talk about luck.. =(

Took d mrt to her place.. Finally.. No cabs.. Lolx.. Spent almost one hour plus loitering outside her house.. Hmm.. Left after passing her the makeup stuff, calculator and letter.. Missing her..

/memories saved..

emotionally charged.-evewbb 10:34 PM

Tuesday, October 26, 2004
[[我心动了.. - 25.10.04]]

我怎么形容心中的感受
用一个眼神一个动作你都懂
越来越渴望遇到会懂得我的人
越来越难遇到在我生活之中
我怎么形容你给我的感受不只像朋友
比知己浓不会错不会错
我心动了
只有你的手能抚慰我多年的寂寞
只有你的吻能解开我过往的忧愁
我们都尝过爱情给的挫折
流过了泪躲藏过
直到心合冷静等待结果
谁能真懂我让我心动
只有你的手能抚慰我多年的寂寞
只有你的吻能解开我过往的忧愁

You stirred my heart.. You really did.. A feeling I can't xplain.. A feeling I have never felt before..

A person whom I want to meet.. I have found.. Itz you..
A place where I want to go.. I have found.. Itz your life..

The feeling tt you gave me.. It means much more.. Isnt it..? Does it..? Or otherwise..? Have I been misintepreting the wrong signals..?

From the first letter.. You told me time is essential.. To the last msg.. I tht I was outside the unlocked door all the while.. I hestitated.. The door shuts closed.. Locked up once again.. The combi had changed.. A moment of hestitation was what caused me d opportunity..?

I told you I peeped thru the keyhole.. And you were not there.. You told me you were sleeping.. Ttz y I can't find you.. I will wait.. definitely.. Till you are awake..

You told me you were lost.. And how could you answer a question when you were lost.. How could u row a boat with only one paddle..?

The words you said.. The actions you displayed.. It seems to tell me something.. Does it..? I want to be more than an acquaintance..

You are lost.. While I am confused.. I feel that I lack the initiative.. To be with you.. Everything seems to be only written dwn in words.. I have never told you tt I liked you directly.. For once.. There is a time.. A time for everything..

I dun wish to be blinded by my foolish pride.. I dun wish to deny my feelings once more.. I want to be with you.. I will wait.. After you had settled down..

[bottomline:]did u hear it..?

emotionally charged.-evewbb 1:03 PM

Sunday, October 24, 2004
[[why..? - 23.10.04]]

Hmm.. This question is repeated over and over..

I just feel emotionally charged.. Yah.. Ttz the way I will describe my feelings now.. I told you.. If I am standing at the far end of a corner.. If I shout.. I will at least get an echo as a reply.. But from you.. Theres none..

I told myself tt I will wait.. wait patiently.. WHY?? WHY!!? WHY??!!! Why am i desperately seeking for an answer..? I just can't understand.. I just can't comprehend.. MYSELF.. What is exactly going on..? What am I exactly thinking..? My words and actions.. They DUN tally.. Why??!!?? I just wished I had an answer.. An answer from you..? Nope.. Itz an answer from myself.. A simple promise I cant fulfil.. Whats the use of making it in the first place.. I am beginning to doubt myself..

Words that I sae.. Were they meant to be just words.. Pleasing to the ear.. Nice for the eyes.. Touched the emotions..?? NO!! I didn't mean it THAT way.. I meant what I wrote.. Every single word.. Which came out from the bottom of my heart..

Actions that I displayed.. Were they meant to make you believe that I never like you at all..?? Were they meant to be tt irritating.. annoying..?? NO!! I like you.. I really do.. I can't comprehend my actions.. I can't look at you directly.. What exactly am I hiding..? The eyes lies the keys to the heart.. YOU have already taken my heart away.. My heartbeat.. I feel them beating for you..

I am holding on to something.. Issit HOPE..? I saw a glimpse of hope at the end of the tunnel.. I hope itz you at the end of the tunnel.. I hope itz not a letter telling me otherwise.. I have fallen deeper.. in love with you..

I never paused and pondered why I like you.. I never stop to question myself.. Coz the feelings never stopped.. It never paused.. It never lessen.. It never diminish.. It will never happen.. I cant be more sure this time..

Someone whom can make my life so complete..
Someone whom can turn my life upside down..
Someone whom my feelings are so strong for.. THAT I cant deny them.. I cant..
Someone whom I am so afraid of losing..
Someone whom makes me feel so emotionally charged..

I have fallen in love with you.. Will you complete my life..? Will you be the missing piece in my heart..? Will you..

I hold the truth to my heart..
I will never break your heart..
I will never hurt you once..
I can't mend ur scars..
But I will protect you from harm..
I will love you..
From the bottom of my heart..

[bottomline:]will you complete my life..?

emotionally charged.-evewbb 1:20 AM

Saturday, October 23, 2004
[[happy bdae.. - 23.10.04]]

Hmm.. Itz your birthday.. And I have got the gifts ready one mth in advance.. Hmm.. The gifts I prepared..

1st gift - the poem in reply to your first letter..
2nd gift - CD-compilation for letters 1 to 17..
3rd gift - Precious Moments Puzzle..
4th gift - Tiffany and Co. Lock pendant plus chain..

Hmm.. For tt Tiffany and Co. Lock pendant, I searched one month for that perfect gift.. For a perfect you.. Hmm.. When I saw tt lock pendant.. I knew it gotta be you wearing it.. Hmm.. Just a feeling..

Hmm.. Till now.. All I can say is I am head over heels.. over you.. Lolx.. Happy birthday..!

[bottomline:]i dun tag a price to everything i do..

emotionally charged.-evewbb 3:00 PM

Monday, October 18, 2004
[[tears.. - 18.10.04]]

For the 2nd time.. They welled up in my eyes.. Refusing to fall.. I am not controlled by my emotions.. I hope not..

For the first time in my 4 years.. The first time I am feeling so.. No words could ever refer to the feelings.. The fear inside me laid there.. I cant feel my heartbeat anymore.. Not that I can hear my own breathing.. Everything stops.. It just stops..

The key broke.. One half was stuck inside her heart.. One half was held by me.. It was a reminder.. To remind me of something that I had attempted.. But failed miserably.. I paused.. I stopped.. I laid there.. I saw the stars.. It reminded me of someone.. I missed her greatly..

[bottomline:]it was a bottomless pit..

emotionally charged.-evewbb 7:38 PM

[[confused.. - 17.10.04]]

Hmm.. Everyone has a fear.. More than often.. Its the fear of "what ifs".. I, myself.. Fear of an answer to a question I have not ask.. An answer to the question I desperately tried so hard to seek..

Hmm.. No matter how hard I try.. Itz difficult.. I din say it was easy in the first place.. Hmm.. I am contradicting myself here.. What am I thinking? I simply have no idea.. I am very confused.. I have mixed feelings.. Was it the anticipation of THAT answer..? I tried not to think..

Words written down.. Not spoken face-to-face.. Was it the fear of the rejection that i would otherwise experience..? Was it written words bring more emotions..? I dare not think.. It brings me to another level of confusion.. The more I think.. The more I seek.. I deeper I fall.. That is in love with her..

Sometimes.. When my actions couldnt justify my words.. I remained silent.. I stopped.. I couldnt decipher myself any further.. The more I try to understand what I was doing.. The more I find that my life is like a shadow.. It follows..

As much as I wish to be with you.. As much as I will give up everything to be with you.. As much as I seek for an answer.. The question will not be raised.. For what reasons.. I shall not say.. Now is not the time.. Time seeks man.. Man seeks love.. Love.. juz waits.. I am waiting.. waiting for someone.. an acquaintance.. - moz probably..

[bottomline:]i cld nt comprehend my thinking.. my actions..

emotionally charged.-evewbb 1:30 AM

Thursday, October 14, 2004
[[is she..? - 14.10.04]]

Hmm.. I was having an email conversation with one of my gd frens in stm today and we touched on the subject of d one i like again..

I remember telling my fren that love is a give and take thing.. but that doesnt mean that the person whom u like might accept what you have for him/her..

In reply.. my fren fwded an email to me.. Yah.. Itz actually a forwarded mail bt i felt that it was quite meaningful and decided to tk context out of it.. Here it goes..

A relationship should not be built upon fear, insecurity and pity. There are good matches out there, but if there are too many ifs, and or buts then sooner or ater the relationship will fail. Now that doesn't mean you will break up, you could stay together for the rest of your lives and still fail as a couple.

There are alot of false information about relationships out there. One of the biggest lies is that opposites attract. That is really just a myth. Now alot of the things listed above do come down to personal choice.

It comes down to what you are and are not willing to accept. Just because you have fallen in love with someone does not mean hat they are the right one for you. The number of people in physically or emotionally abusive relationships should be testament enough to that.

One thing is for sure. Do not settle for something less than you want because you are scared of hurting them, being alone or you feel this might be the best you can get. You never know what you might have missed that was right around the corner. Settling is always settling, no matter how you look at it. By doing so, you will be left with a lifetime of "what ifs".

My own thoughts:
I always believed each person's flaws is his/her own characteristic.. One which no1 can imitate.. I like you for you.. You are just so "my sassy girl".. lolx..

[bottomline:]so attracted..

emotionally charged.-evewbb 9:57 PM

Sunday, October 10, 2004
[[a long chat - 09.10.04]]

Hmm.. You were bored.. So we just started chatting.. Hmm.. N we started to tease each other once again.. Hmm.. Just to chat with you.. I drained out my 2 phones' battery.. N had to use my fren's n7600 to chat with u.. so uncomfortable..

Hmm.. Something weird happened.. Coz i asked you..
"Er.. Do you like PM - Precious Moments..?"
And you were like.. Oh mine.. Yup.. Coz you told me you asked the same question in d letter.. N claims tt i copied you.. Yah rite.. As though I knew what you wrote right..?

Hmm.. So you asked if I like Precious Moments.. Hmm.. Den I sae I only like astroboy.. Lolx.. Den you insist tt that i say i like Precious Moments.. So i uttered a weak.. and jumbled up version of.. "i like precious moments..".. You said you cldnt hear.. And i haf to repeat it.. Hmm.. I refused.. N you started to read out a passage of my letter to you.. Hmm.. Yah.. I admit defeat.. N i told you.. "I dun love precious moments.. I like u.." I repeated that 3 times.. And i ended the conversation..

Hmm.. I reached home and started charging my phones.. Hmm.. Yah.. N we started messaging again.. Hmm.. Yah.. All the wae from 1140hrs to 0200hrs.. Hmm.. N i fell aslp.. Hmm.. N was awoken by ur msg this morning.. Lolx..

[bottomline:]i need u to trust me..

emotionally charged.-evewbb 2:19 PM

Saturday, October 09, 2004
[[flashback - 08.10.04]]

Hmm.. 08 August 2004 @2030hrs is the day that we had our first movie - "the village".. The movie which i spilled the popcorn and you spilled the green tea.. lolx..

Hmm.. Met you 08 October @2030hrs at the same place again.. Hmm.. Drove up to fort canning park while waiting.. Hmm.. You drained out my digi cam's battery taking pictures of urself.. Lolx.. Hmm.. N u squashed over to my side while trying to tk a pic of u and me.. Hmm.. Luckily i have d sense to dodge.. Hmm.. Best part.. A car that drove past us thought what we were doing.. My gosh..

Hmm.. We went to play pool.. Hmm.. I dunno what made you so annoyed and upset that you chose to leave the place after playing for less than 1 hr.. Hmm.. After tt.. We went to mr bean as you were hungry..

Hmm.. On d wae to pasir ris.. U saw the letter.. N insist to read the letter.. Lolx.. N we went to changi village.. Afterwhich i sent darren and you hm..

[bottomline:]time flies.. bt i still miss you

emotionally charged.-evewbb 1:34 PM

Wednesday, October 06, 2004
[[for the first time - 06.10.04]]

Flashback - 2 mths back..

Hmm.. We waited for you for 15mins plus coz u were having ur dinner.. Subsequently.. you arrived.. Hesitated b4 getting into the car.. We got out of the car to meet up with chris.. Den you had to return hm coz u were supposed to be studying..

6 August 2004 @2218hrs.. A night that I will remember.. The nite that I met you.. For the first time..

FastForward - 06.10.04

Hmm.. It has been 2 mths from the first time I met you for the first time..
Hmm.. You are sick again.. Hmm.. Have not been taking good care of urself.. All the junk food.. Hmm..
Hmm.. Met you yesterday nite to pass you something..

Hmm.. Called you juz few hours ago.. Got teased again.. -siGh- lolx..

Hmm.. Time now 2218hrs.. Officially.. 2 months..

[bottomline:]time is a factor..

emotionally charged.-evewbb 10:18 PM

Monday, October 04, 2004
[[more time.. - 04.10.04]]

Hmm.. It is exactly 2mths since I known you.. The first call to you.. How you sounded over the phone conversation.. I still remembered vividly..

Hmm.. One fren told me today..
"know someone really well, before going into a relationship with that someone.."
Hmm.. I do agree up to some extent.. What I feel is most impt - the lasting feelings.. A feeling that doesnt diminish even after hurdles and hurdles.. feelings that are still there after being put to test after test..

Being with and being together are 2 very different aspects.. One can be with someone he/she feels comfortable with.. It may be a fren.. Being together.. Spending time together.. Understanding each other.. Tolerating each other.. Teasing each other.. Looking in the same direction together.. Being there for each other together.. Being true together.. Looking into each other's eyes together.. Thinking together.. Being together..

Hmm.. Two months may be a short time.. Gimme more time.. I will just prove you wrong.. You know I dun mind.. Coz you mean the world to me.. When you are ready.. I will be just there..

[bottomline:]i am confused.. when you are..

emotionally charged.-evewbb 8:53 PM

Sunday, October 03, 2004
[[erupted.. - 02.10.04]]

Hmm.. A uncomfortable nite.. Coz.. I finally got real upset..

Drove up to Mt Faber.. Shion and yourself had Lime Margarita - 75% alcohol.. While Darren has chocolate and chocolate chip milkshake and myself.. banana milkshake.. =)

Hmm.. The only time you willl be allowed to drink alcoholic drinks coz we are ard.. Hmm.. not advisible for a young ger like you too.. A pity didnt get to see any couples at mt faber.. lolx..

Hmm.. Perhaps you were a lil high.. I will not sae drunk.. I dunch really like 'too close for comfort' thingy.. Dun confuse me further.. Which u r already doing..

Hmm.. Finally passed you d 'stairway to heaven' vcd.. It may not be as heart-wrenching as 'winter sonata'.. But as I told you.. The guy's love for the ger.. is magnificent.. Hmm.. Nothing is forever.. But i will wait.. just for you..

[bottomline:]i believe this is not a lie.. my heart stirred as i sighed..

emotionally charged.-evewbb 10:16 PM